MuSiC oF mY LiFe

~~Sunday, September 05, 2004~~

Hey now i happen to be using my sis com now so i might as well blog a little...Been thinking alot these few days tt few tt my mind is on the verge of exploding le...Things haven really improved and bam, another load...why? Its not as if i deserve it lo...hai...act i dunno how much shld i blog down here...i would lyk to isolate my tots to myself but i still seep a little abt my troubles on tiz blog..haha...

I find myself realli useless nowadays la...cos i cant seem to be wad pple expects me to be...not tt i would wanna live life for them...but i feel tt i fail as a real friend..as a lover...as whateva i tink i shld've been...maybe right from the start...

As a fren..i guess i m not worthy...cos i guess i m selfish at my tots...i bottled lotsa stuff inside me...n nv really intend to say it out till tinks got better or worse..and some pals blame me for it ...saying tt i m not truthful enuff for them...some even got jealous when i confide in another fren but not to him/her. I jus dun realli lyk to repeat tinks and if u happen to be tt lucky sum1 whom i hav told...den be it...is tis really a selfish act ? hai...i hav known u for lyk 6yrs alr..and i m sorri tt u still dunno much abt me...altho' i noe so much abt u..maybe tt's y we r drifting ba...maybe aft befriending me for so long...been thru so much wif me...u realized tt we aren't best pals as we used to call each other...maybe...i m the cause of our misery...but cant friendship be simpler w/o all tt jealousy n spite?

i still rem tt day when aft so long of spite n war i willingly made my way to ur sch [altho not to purposely meet ya but to grab a file from my other fren] and called ya to see if u are still in sch...but ur cold reply realli turn me off...den when we spotted each other ur sch by luck..cos we never set to met, u didn't even care...jus merely said hi...in the end...it was ur classmates n my ex-sch mates tt seemed to cared abt my existance more than u do....wad's wrong...?
4 of us...were best pals...now...onli 3 of us are left....i dunno the real prob lies wif who...but how come if i am at fault, our other 2 pals told me to give up on u...and said tt they noe all these while i m there for u but u took it for granted..?

i noe i may be at fault tt i didn't share my woes wif u...but its not as if i din try..and i DID alr..but why are u still not happy? how many a times we 4 had quarrels...but we made up n we felt it has made us stronger...but why now i feel tt it has torn u and us apart? Why cant u n us come to a consensus tt we have grown... tinks ard us may hav changed...But we 3 nv stopped caring for u...let's c...now 1 of us is in ur sch...but u 2 nv talked...another is in another jc..but u 2 nv contact too..and me? Haiz...i dunno wad else u realli wan from me...i realli wanna giv up on u...but wheneva i c u again...i wanna regain our frenship...tis is why our other 2 pals always say tt our doors are 4eva open for u...but always slam it back at our faces from time to time...Now all of u 3 taking As tiz yr...its an impt yr for all of us...but most to u 3...bless u all kkz...and hope tis will not affect anyone of us...and hopefully by the end of tiz yr...tinks will get better...i m willing to giv all of us time...time for space..time for reflection n time for personal changes for the better i guess...

As a lover..i hav failed too i guess...always indecisive and bringing frowns to pple...haiz...maybe i jus dun wanna be hurt..sum1..and similarly..i dun wanna hurt sum1 else at the same time too...Perhaps i still duno wad's love...i dun express it well and i dun say it often...cos Love's a strong word...perhaps my heart couldn't be trusted..that's y i cant settle down...sorri to whomever it applies too...tis i wouldn't wanna touch on more abt...cos i've type damn much alr...guess frenship weighs so much more than love in my life now...that's y pple whom unfortunaetly fall for me last time said tt i m always neglecting them...hahaz.....

Yest alvin asked me and some of my classmates in an open discussion why all of us seem to say tt life sux big time now...and i was surprised too tt quite a no. of us seem to be goin thru some high tide or sth...haha...pray tt all will be well soon...i earnestly believe tt time will tell...

3:47 PM